i wish i could think of a way to make sense of all the feelings in me right now. i swore i’d never let myself feel like this again, and now i’ve gone and walked into the same trap. but i haven’t become smarter the second time around. i haven’t discovered the secret switch that opens the escape tunnel, haven’t found the rope that will lift me out of this dark pit of exquisite sadness. underneath this hard shell there has always a person who lives to love, whose barriers crumble at the slightest touch. and i wonder if it’s my fault that i give in to my feelings so easily. i could easily list down everything i find appealing about you. but no list, no words can ever describe what it feels like not to find someone attractive, or charming or intelligent or kind, but simply to yearn to be around them just to feel that familiar and not unpleasant tension, to experience an overwhelming emptiness when they’re gone. the black hole that remains when the last vestiges of a bright star have burned out. we’re strange creatures, we humans, to seek and find pleasure in such torment.
the heart wants what the heart wants.
but the heart is treacherous.
